*let me preface by saying, i'm being a lemming, but at least i'm posting right?*
1. I miss high school. Not the actual school part, but who i was, who i hung out with, what i did etc. To me, in alot of ways, that girl was me. Now she's gone, and i feel tremendously lost.
2. I am on anti-depressants and although they allow me to function, it doesn't stop how deep my depression truely runs. I don't feel i can do anything about it right now, so i'd rather just be drugged enough to forget it again.
3. I perfer my online persona to who i am in the real world. I can be tremendously social, and incredibly witty if i have an internet connection separating me from someone else. Even a phone works. away from technology, i have developed social anxioty and extremely low self esteem.
4. My body has developed a debilitating disease/condition that can be controlled through proper medication, but only if i take it religiously for the rest of my life.
5. Sometimes it is beyond difficult to move, not due to pain, but due to complete lack of desire.
6. I hate that i am as messy as i am. Clutter annoys the ever living piss out of me. But i just do not have the physical drive to fix it. And i truely don't know how to change that.
7. I pride myself on being an extremely emotionally strong person.
8. This current severe round of depression has robbed me of that pride.
9. i would rather live in a world made from my imagination, or someone elses, then try to begin to make this one have any appeal.
10. I am extremely observant when it comes to people and their emotions. Almost intuitive.
11. I am my greatest sabetoure.
12. I am petrified about finally starting my own life.
13. I am going to school for something that i seriously am not sure i am capable of doing well.
14. I am trying to quit smoking, and i'm doing well at it, unless i hit a bad emotional snag, then i fall off the wagon.
15. I have a doctors appointment today, and i'm petrified that they will tell me something is seriously wrong.
16. No matter how much i love NIN and i'm happy TR is clean and sober and producing music frequently, I rarely feel as moved as i do with his older stuff.
17. I desperately want to go see New Kids on the Block in concert in October, so that i can act like in elementary school fan girl again.
18. All of my close friends live in different states.
19. Sometimes, i don't tell people to go to hell like i should.
20. I seriously wonder why people don't get the hint when you tell them to go fuck themselves.
21. I miss the friends i had in high school. all of them. before we grew up.
22. I feel so out of place with people who are in relationships/married/have kids. I feel like i'm a reject or something.
23. I really love my XM radio. The 90's station alone is worth it.
24. I tend to go from extremes, extremely hyper, to extremely depressed, with some anger mixed in. Yet, i truely am not manic in any way.
25. The only grandmother i ever really had has hated me since i was 7. Why? because i am just like her.
26. My only grandmother has alzheimers, and i'm not sure i can forgive her before its too late.
27. I'm in physical pain 90% of the day.
28. Last night, i kinda dreamt the world was like a World of Warcraft Undead dungeon. I think my life has been too consumed by this game. (i can't wait till the expansion)
29. i love my big uber laptop, but i didn't think about size when i got it. That thing is a pain to transport.
30. I think i have a compulsive overeating problem.
31. I would rather have actual food, than eat snackfood.
32. Cool ranch doritos are my favorite chip. However, i dont' really want them right now, but they are the only thing here, i'm hungry since i didn't eat breakfast, and to me, its too early for lunch.
33. I am a control freak, and it puts tons of strain on alot of my relationships.
34. I stopped dating because i needed to emotionally recooperate from a severely emotional relationship. Now, i can't date because i disgust myself, and i know i'd disgust others.
35. I think i found the closest thing to a soul mate that i've had so far, but fate decided we would only interact with the other for about 6 months.
36. I Still HATE how horrible of a person someone i cared about has turned into. I still can't help but be disgusted.
37. I miss most of my ex's for one reason or another. Not in the romantic sense usually, but because each one was very unique.
38. My brother has never been a huge part of my life (his and my choice i suppose), and although i have a civil relationship with him, i don't know him at all, and i'm oddly ok with that. But i feel like i should be bothered by that. I always wanted an older brother. I have one, but i don't know the first thing about him.
39. I am jealous of my brother though, he is the golden child on my fathers side of the family. He can do no wrong. I'm the family member who is the black sheep, and is ok to forget.
40. I am really proud of my mother. I just wish she could have faith in herself sometimes.
41. I am happy for my father's new life.
42. I wish my parents could finally let go of the stupid pain the other caused. I really would like to not feel like i'm a small child and mommy and daddy hate each other.
43. It kills me every time my father and my step mom talk about how if her step daughter (not me) and my brother dont' have kids, that will be the last chance they have for more grandkids. It reminds me that i probably can't have kids.
44. I want another tattoo so bad i could scream.
45. I want to do too many creative things to be practical.
46. I have a tendency to stay in unhappy situations long after i should have left.
47. I am proof that chasing your dreams might not be the best thing to do.
48. I seriously hate politics.
49. I miss being a military dependant, but even if i did become one again, i hate being separated by a deployment.
50. I am too passionate when someone i care about does something i do not agree with. I end up taking it out on them, by making them feel like crap. I really hate that.
51. I was basically told i was a godless heathen once.
52. I have no problem with people having religion. any kind of religion. Just don't push it on me, or make it a point to make me feel like crap, because i obviously have to be wrong all the time.
53. I wish my mother had better taste in men. And i really wish the psychos that are in her life, would stop obsessing about her and leave her the hell alone. Alternately, i wish she would leave them alone too.
54. Seriously, if given the opportunity with no consequences, i would kill several people.
55. When i move, i really hope i don't run into one of my ex's. I hate that he moved there.
56. I had a song written about me once, i don't remember the fight that spawned it, but it still made me feel special. I still have the recording somewhere.
57. I'm not happy with my "number"
58. I wish i had been born on a friday.
59. I have an unexplainable pull to England.
60. I have pondered perhaps trying to write a novel.
61. Sometimes, i am disappointed in myself at how easily i can get things.
62. I have several crushes on people, two are married. I'll never act on any of them though.
63. Out of all of the weddings i have been in, i've only truely been excited for one. I was happy for another.
64. i had a crush on someone for about 15 years, and i think he knew it.
65. I only like to be on the phone if i am driving, or out of the house. I hate being on the phone if i am home.
66. It irritates the crap out of me if someone is on the phone for pretty much the entire time they are hanging out with me. Regardless if i see them every day or not. Makes me feel really unimportant.
67. I would rather buy something technological than buy clothes.
68. I cannot do my own hair really. With the exception of putting my hair in pony tails or in a clip, maybe a simple braid, that is it. I wonder how people can do the complicated up-do's that they do.
69. I don't honestly think i could ever look professional. Its just not me.
70. I will never watch P.S. I Love You again.
71. I truely am a hopeless romantic.
72. "I dream of a love that even time will stand still for" - Practical Magic.
73. I am greatful to my ex for giving me Trysh. Truely, the best thing he ever did for me.
74. I miss my spirit sister, i always seem to feel kinda lost without her. But i'm happy she's found love. She has deserved it for far too long.
75. I would seriously give just about anything for one more day in turtles car, listening to korn with the group.
76. "Topsy Turvy" has been in my head for about a week now.
77. I cannot listen to Sarah Maclachlans "Surfacing" without wanting to play "A Link to the Past"
78. I do not understand why people think alot of todays music is new and original. Alot of it sounds the same. Pointless and rhythmless.
79. I wish i could have seen Queen before Freddy Mercury died.
80. I once had a dream that left me with a broken heart when i woke up.
81. I don't know why i cling to my past as hard as i do.
82. I wish i hadn't stopped in certain situations.
83. My car is falling apart, and its not even paid off yet. And no, its not still under warranty.
84. The Daytona R/T Charger in Plum Crazy, was made for me. I wonder if i can get that color on a challenger.
85. I should have tried harder to get that '69 Mustang convertible.
86. I have 50 minutes till i have to leave for my appointment. I'm sick to my stomach.
87. I haven't even been in as much pain as i was this week.
88. Living without Dr. Pepper is not fathomable to me.
89. I burn in the sun retardedly fast.
90. I hate my freckles.
91. I like it when the bad guy wins in movies. Se7en is one of those movies.
92. Purple is my absolutely favorite color, yet i wear black 98% of the time.
93. I got a perm once, didn't look bad on me, but i wasn't happy with it. Wasn't enough curl. I am debating trying it again.
94. I have a bike in the back of my car.
95. I love the city, but i'd be happy to live in the country too.
96. One day, i want to go driving on a speed limitless road.
97. I think the holes in ears have finally closed.
98. I am debating a nipple piercing.
99. Sometimes, i feel invisible even when i really shouldn't be.
I am......:  pensive Background Noise: Ace of Base - Don't Turn Around. (don't hate) |
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evillustbunny's journal
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